Regret Your Goodbye
by Sylvia Louise
Summary: Squid didn't want to do it, but he had to.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Holes.

I laughed in her face. I laughed because it was easier than telling her I was going to miss her, to tell her goodbye, and that I would most likely never see her ever again. It might've seemed cruel, but I didn't want to cry, especially in front of her. She was a goddess, and I didn't want her to see me at my low point. Crying would have been another way to kick myself while I was already down.

And then there was awkward silence after I laughed. Honestly, what do you say to a girl whose heart you've just broken? Realizing that was a dumb move, I looked down at the gravel of the driveway and started to fiddle with my thumb ring. I couldn't look at her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't want to see her glaring at me or crying because of me or looking confused because of me. She had a beautiful face that I didn't want to see streaming with tears. She was everything to me, but I couldn't stay with her. I was going to be gone for a very long time. It wouldn't be worth trying to stay together when I would be a thousand miles away.

"Did you just dump me?" She asked, angrily. I slowly lifted my head to look back up at her. Her long, amber hair was tucked behind her ears, and her ocean blue eyes stared at me coldly. She had her hands on her hips and her chin jutted out the was it did when she was pissed off. I didn't want to answer her because I, myself couldn't even believe I had just broken up with the girl that was one in a million. "You didn't just tell me goodbye." She demanded.

I rubbed my forehead, biting my lip. This was so hard. "I'm sorry." I told her. It was all that managed to come out, all that I managed to say without crying.

She looked at me, shocked. "So that's it?" She spat out. She stared at me, looking for an answer, but I just looked right back at her. She shook her head with fury. "I thought--," she stammered while her chin quivered, "I thought we had something. I thought you were different."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I loved her, but I didn't know how to tell her that I would most likely never see her again. "We _did_ have something." I said.

"Then why are you breaking up with me?!" She yelled with anger. "I would really like to know because everything seemed to be going just fine, and out of the blue, _you_ want to call it quits!" She looked at me, demanding an answer. "What the hell is going on with you Alan?! Have you lost your mind? Why are you telling me goodbye?"

I looked back at the ground. I didn't want to tell her the real reason. I was ashamed at the fact that I had to go to a camp for juvenile delinquents, and she was the last person I wanted to know about that that. "I…I found someone new." I said, turning away. It wasn't the truth, but I didn't want her to know the truth.

I could hear her silently start to cry as I kept looking at the ground. Immediately, I regretted telling her that. Why couldn't I have thought of something better to say? Why had that ultimately come to my mind first? Something then came over her.

"Look at me!" She said as she grabbed my arm, making me face forward. Her face was full of rage as her tears streamed down her face. "Am I not good enough for you?! Huh?!" I stared at her, alarmed. "Answer me, dammit!" She yelled.

It was the hardest thing I ever did. "You deserve better." I said hoarsly, hoping that she wouldn't be as livid with me.

She let go of me, not believing what she heard. Her crying stopped. She took a step back and said as she nodded, "You're right, I do."

She took one last, hard look at me and walked away. All I could do was watch. I wanted to stop her and tell her the truth, but I couldn't move. I never saw her again.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: It's been years since I've submitted anything on fanfiction, but this was a story I had always loved, and I just wanted to add more to it. It's now being told from the girl's point of view, and it will probably switch back and forth throughout the chapters. More will be added, and I hope to complete a full story. Just review and let me know if you want me to keep going! Thanks.

I try not to look at his photograph. Mostly, I try not to think of him, but I always find myself daydreaming that he's back from wherever he went to – that he came back for me. Out of all the flings and broken promises I've had over these few months since he's left, there hasn't been anyone I've loved like Alan. I don't think there will ever be.

My room is filled with memories of him. The pictures, the gifts, the letters – they are all signs that he had once been a part of my life. I'm not going to throw them away or get rid of them because I know he's not gone for good. I know he didn't leave me for someone else. I know he had lied, I just didn't know why. And I want to see him again because I need him, like I always have.

Most of the time, it feels like it's raining, but I know it's not. This is Alabama; it doesn't rain here often. I keep the blinds down and don't turn on the lights in my room.

When someone like Alan enters your life, it is difficult to describe the feeling you have. It's a mixture of joy and warmth, of complete understanding and contentment. There's finally someone there to share your laughter and your sorrow – someone that knows you completely and loves every ounce of you. It's as if he has latched on to a part of your dormant heart and made it live once again. He hasn't stolen your soul; he let you keep it, but with his embrace, he has only made it better. He gave me reason to wake up, to smile, to tell secrets, to have inside jokes, to go to the movies, to call in sick for work, to watch romantic comedies, to make love, to live.

I went to his mother's house last Tuesday. She was drunk, incoherent, and didn't talk much about where he was, just complained. All I could get out of her was "at the lake, on vacation, away from you and all these goddamned people that keep asking about him. Just leave me the fuck alone. He ain't coming back." I don't talk to her because I think she's a pleasant woman. I talk to her to find Alan. Something was wrong when he left. There was something going on that he wasn't telling me, but I was too upset at the time to notice. My emotions always got the best of me.

After the day he left me, I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't make an effort to call him. A mixed feeling of both anger and utter sadness filled me, and it wasn't just something I could shake off. It was like he had died. It was a loss greater to me than anything I had known. I didn't try to make contact with him until a month later, but by that time, he had been long gone.

"We haven't seen him in a couple of weeks," Joey told me. Joey had been Alan's best friend since kindergarten. "We figured he was with you..." He looked at me, staring at the floor. "Did something happen to you two?" He asked carefully.

I looked back up. I was surprised by this. "He didn't tell you?" I asked.

He shook his head, confused.

I then told him what had happened the day that he left me, and that I was looking for him for the first time since it had happened. "I haven't seen him or talked to him in over a month," I said.

Then Joey looked truly concerned. "Me either."

We both looked everywhere we thought he would be. We called relatives, old friends, and drove places that yielded no results. He had left without a trace. After a while, Joey gave up, saddened and disheartened. I kept looking and asking questions, but no one ever knew what happened to him. He disappeared.

And after a while, my heart went dormant.


End file.
